Insecurity

(Context: I get asked this pretty frequently, and each time I respond, I always private it after a while. Anyways, I just decided to write a post about it…because I don’t want to make it seem like I’m ignoring the questions, plus it’s always an awesome reminder for myself when I get really dumb and insecure.)

I am my harshest criticizer, and in the battle between myself and the mirror, I always lose. Because there is always going to be someone who is richer, smarter, taller, skinnier, more talented, and more beautiful than me, and by comparing myself to those people, I’m always going to fall short. That may be a tough truth to swallow for some, but somehow it brings me a fair amount of peace. On top of that, beauty, looks, outer appearances are constantly changing…old age will rob your body of whatever it can, gravity will take its toll, and the concept of attractiveness is subjective from one culture to the other. So really…who gives a poo about looks…only for the first quarter of your life, you are at the peak of your youth…so once you turn 26, have babies, or marry someone with a crazy sweet tooth, your life is over because you’ll gain a few pounds, and have old skin. No. When I’m old rolling around with my husband, I want to be a jolly old woman whose happiness is evident in her laugh lines and happy-pounds. You can’t possibly look like the girls in the glossy papers… Even the girls in the magazines don’t look like girls in the magazines. 

I am my parent’s daughter…and I’ve acquired more than just their personalities, but more obviously, their physical attributes. My dad has a naturally larger frame, at 6’ and 180 lbs, he’s a pretty big dude even without exercising. My mom is not the typical little Asian lady that is shy and diets all the time. She has a passion for cuisine that smiles in her round face, and a fire that comes from her natural athleticism. With that said, I’ve inherited a body that is larger than the average Asian girl, and makes me feel like Shrek among little barbies. My hands are typically larger, if not the same size, than most guys I meet. Sometimes I can’t wear heels, because I tend to loom over my girlfriends in pictures, and I’ll awkwardly stand away from guys, so I don’t make them feel uncomfortable. I have my dad’s goofy laugh, and my mom’s naturally kind of mad-looking face. Consequently, I am not the most graceful, delicate, or “cool” girl in the bunch… The list could go on and on about how I struggle with my insecurities…but at the end of the day, I see both my mom and my dad in the way I look, and I can’t help but love that in this way, they’ll always be apart of me, even when the time comes for God to take them home. 

At the same time, I am my Father’s daughter, and if He tells me that I’ve been wonderfully made, who am I to discredit His word, “For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You for I am wonderfully and fearfully made. Wonderful are Your works, my soul knows that very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret intricately woven in the depths of the earth…” (Psalms 139). In Ephesians, it also says that we are His workmanship, created for His will and His purpose. His truth reminds me that I was made this way for a specific reason, nothing in me is a mistake, not even that stupid pimple on the side of my cheek. 

The only thing that doesn’t fade away with time, is character, personality, and heart. Wouldn’t you rather invest in something that cannot be marred by something as natural as age. In Paul’s letters to Colossians he writes, “Therefore as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”  I want to look more like Christ, more than a Victoria Secret Angel…I want to be able to love the unlovable, forgive the unforgivable, and have joy even when the conditions of this world tries to tell me otherwise. Christ in me, makes me beautiful, and no lie or tactic that this world tries to tell me to bring me down, can alter or diminish that. 

Don’t get me wrong, this certainly doesn’t mean that I am immune to low self-esteem or insecurity…but these are just some things I remind myself of whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed with my self-worth and am unsatisfied with my appearance…which…happens on a daily basis. 

Anyways. Happy Sunday. Hope this encourages you today, beautiful people :) 

  1. 2girls-1stunna reblogged this from hiede
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  4. lisaharim said: I’ve always said you were beautiful, and it still, if not more, stands stronger today. Miss you Heidi!
  5. heyitsaren reblogged this from hiede and added:
    (Context: I get asked this pretty frequently, and each time I respond, I always private it after a while. Anyways, I...
  6. iamalltoohuman said: praise God! i really enjoyed reading this.
  7. hiede posted this