I’ve read this somewhere before, but it’s always a funny reminder :) 

“To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: ‘Ruth patiently waited for her mate, Boaz.’ While you are waiting for YOUR Boaz, don’t settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothin-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin, BeatinYo-az. Wait for your Boaz, and make sure he respects Yoaz.” 

And He said to me,

“Love, do you think that I intended for beauty to be diluted by the unsubstantial standards of society? That measure and govern attractiveness by the length of your eyelashes or by the ideal number of inches around your chest. Beloved, beauty is more than concealing, contouring, brightening, and tracing; more than the irrelevant canon enforced by the glossy paper illusions of impossibly thin porcelain figures.

Beauty is not in the unmarred, but in My scars, that sing of My excruciating sacrifice in order to call you Mine. It is My eternal love for you carved into My skin.

To be beautiful is to be adorned with grace like priceless diamonds around your heart, a heart, that mirrors Mine, and beats for the abandoned and the destitute. It is not a characteristic that is meant to be gawked at or ‘appreciated’, instead, beauty is meant to remind you of My Mercy and Glory.

Dearest daughter, you might scale your reflection and decide that you look nothing like the women you find in the world’s representation of beauty, and that’s precisely what I want. Maybe then you’ll finally start to realize that I am raising you to be beautiful according to heavenly principles. Which are not only of a timeless beauty, like Esther’s courage or Ruth’s faithfulness, but also a universe-shifting one, like Christ’s compassion.

And Talitha, you are so beautiful to Me.” 

Even as my spine is being crushed, trampled under the sandals of my own reproach or failure, or as my organs are bleeding internally, rupturing with regret, I just need to touch the trail of it. Shoved to the ground, I am crawling on my knees, heels fracture my searching fingers; I am pushing through the swarm of people surrounding You. Jesus, I just need to feel the edge of Your robe, because that would be more than enough for me. Because I know that You are my healer, and You are Good. 

wearthegoldhat:

”I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them that no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and you saw them crying in their bed at night or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street and even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think after seeing them at their most vulnerable you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them.”

(Source: incenses)

Today, I’m singing a new song. 

Deep calls to deep at the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and Your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. 

Psalm 42:7-8

If you follow my tumblr, you probably will recognize that I’ve talked about my dad, Mr. Johnnie Dixon, and how he is the best dad ever. It is a well-known fact.  Whenever I skype with him, I’m always whining to him saying, “Appaaaa, how am I ever going to find a husband that is half of the man you are…”, and without fail, he always responds sheepishly in his awkward Korean accent, “Nooo, Heidi-ah…” and then I always, without fail, hear my mom cut in from the other room, “YAH! APPA-GATUN NAMJA GYULYUN HAH JEE MAH! NO MOO HEEMDUHLUH! (Don’t marry a guy like your dad, it’s too difficult)” 

She jokingly says this, because my dad is the type to bump his head on the cabinet, in the same place, smile embarrassingly, and proceed to accidentally hit it again within the same 10 minutes (three times in a row), while rummaging through the TV wires to make sure my mom can watch her internet Korean shows on the big screen. 

He’s also the type who, prays and prays over what to write as his e-mail signature to make sure that people who he works with, are introduced to the gospel. He decided to go with Soli Deo Gloria. Glory to God alone. (He’s the inspiration for my tumblr title: Sola Gratia…which is crazy, because I wrote that title way before I was truly saved.) 

He’s the type who, comes into my room when I’m home from San Diego, and gets on his knees at the edge of my bed to pray over me (only when he thinks that I’ve fallen asleep). He’s been doing this ever since I was a baby. I’m almost 21 now. I always pretended to sleep, so I could try to hear what he was saying, but I always fell asleep before he finished. 

My dad and mom have been married for almost 32 years and both of them work to the grind to make sure me and my brothers are happy. They left Korea 32 years ago, to make their home in the United States…skipping any kind of college education, leaving out opportunities to see the world outside of the places they lived in: Korea, N. Carolina, and California (occasionally Hawaii to see family). 

Even though I love being here, I feel so guilty for traveling around Europe, and seeing all these places that my parents have only dreamed of seeing, because we’ve never had the resources to do so. On top of that, I landed in Geneva, which conveniently is possibly the most expensive city in Europe (which could mean the world). I had to spend $200 because my luggage was overweight, 15 francs (roughly $20) on a dinner at McDonalds, $150 for one night in a hotel (because all the hostels were booked until the next night). So as I skyped with my dad yesterday, to say happy belated birthday to him, I just mentioned that Michelle and I are going to have to “fast” and pray because we’re too poor to buy actual food, (and stay inside, because we’re too cheap to buy an umbrella). 

This morning, I was checking my emails, and I got a message from him, “Heidi just deposit money in account, enjoy rest of trip. love you-dad.” I checked my account, and saw that he put WAAYY too much into it. I don’t say this to brag, or anything. It’s because, I know that our family is in such a bad financial situation…I immediately thought of the verse in Matthew, 

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him! Matthew 7:9-11

My dad is one of the primary reasons for my faith. Not because he provides me “sustenance” or is a walking ATM…but because all of his actions are geared to show his unwavering love for his wife, his children, and most importantly, his God.

If my earthly dad, who is still human, seems utterly perfect and amazing, how much more infinitely glorious is the Father in heaven. I forget sometimes how unconditional love works…because I’m still learning how to give that kind of love, and I fall short all the time. But watching my dad, gives me hope that there are people in this world who come very close…and maybe one day I’ll be able to love like him. 

It’s been exam week… And this morning, I woke up in a blaring panic at 3am, because it finally hit me that I should probably study for my impending last final at 10. Finally the fear sets in, but I guess it’s better late than never right?

It sounds kind of pathetic, but the only worry I had this entire week, was dealing with weight I’ve gained since I’ve been in Italy, not even the fact that I should be doing well on my studies. On top of that, for the last couple weeks, I skimped on my daily breakfast times with Appa, because I told myself that I had to “study” (at 7am? Who am I kidding…) when instead, I used that time to look at old pictures when my arms and thighs were significantly smaller than they are now. But in reality, I’m pretty sure I felt the same way about my body then at 98-100 pounds and now at 120 something. All week, I worried about how discontent I am about my appearance..and how this is going to be the reason why I’ll probably be perpetually single for the rest of my life. Then going in a vicious cycle of facebook stalking all of my gorgeous, skinny friends…. and that I should save myself time and start investing in some cats now. 

I might have been a drama queen this week…but…..that’s besides the point.  

So this morning, as I was frantically reading through my class notes—which aren’t really notes, but random doodles mixed with my friend’s terrible renditions of cartoon hearts (I don’t really understand how anyone could be so bad at drawing something made up of 2 curved lines..)…I looked up at the corner of my desk, where the Word seemed to patiently wait, gathering dust. Seemingly waiting for me, with my disheveled hair and dark bags appearing under my eyes, to finally come to my senses… 

His words resounding in a whisper “….so I will comfort you…” 

But Daaaaad. You don’t get it… I’ve ignored You this whole time. I am the modern epitome of Israel. My heart is so stupid and naive. I’ve forgotten all the blessings You’ve provided… I’ve turned away from Your unwavering grace. I don’t think You realize how terribad of a daughter I am…

“You shall no more be termed “Forsaken” and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight is in Her…for the Lord delights in you…” 

It doesn’t matter how unfaithful or forgetful I am, because my God is pure, complete Love and He is infinitely faithful. He is constant, even when I’m not… and it’s not that He’s pining for me to return, or because He requires my affections. My forgetfulness doesn’t take away from His sovereignty. He remains loving and righteous, with or without me. But the profound fact that He…in all of His abounding Glory…would still reach out to me, to delight in something as despicable as myself and even go further to call me His bride.

I really need to learn how to love like Him. 

5:38am now. Back to studying. 

For thus says the Lord:

“Behold, I will extend peace to her

like a river,

and the glory of the nations like an

overflowing stream;

and you shall nurse, you shall be 

carried upon her hip,

and bounced upon her knees.

As one whom his mother comforts,

so I will comfort you, you shall be comforted…

You shall see, and your heart shall

rejoice;

your bones shall flourish like the 

grass;

and the hand of the Lord shall be known to His servants,

and He shall show His indignation

against His enemies.”

ISAIAH 66:12-14